Loving

I honestly believe that all your hurts, wounds, scars, fears, etc all surface when you aim to love someone. An endearing love is risky. Jesus' love for us was risky. It's all investment with possibly no reward.. It's that exposure, that vulnerability that creates this defense or this need for security in places where love does not allow for it. Loving someone can bring pride into the heart to cushion the impact of rejection. Likewise the need to have several "interests" instead of one. One is too risky, too much, too hurtful... I think that all of us have this wound in their heart. Past relationships with friends, family, the opposite sex has brought us to a place of brokenness. We do a great job of covering that dearth of security that the Lord provides-we lack the persistence to fully submerge ourselves in the relentless love of the Lord.

I look more and more and realize that everything has become so inconsistent, temporary which is completely contrary to the undying, unchanging-ness that Jesus brings. His love never fails. It was shown in the past and it resonates with our hearts still today. I lack the knowledge or the heart or the relationship to express the value of that man's life. I read recently that people used kindness in its root language as a way of describing something that is good for us. They used kindness to describe food that was useful... This whole time, I've been reflecting on the kindness of the Lord as one that is good.... but never good for me-It's a practical life application. It's the remedy for the now, the remedy for the hurt and the pain. It does not only apply in abstract terms but it can truly bring healing and restoration to the broken heart. The kindness that proclaimed the Son of God as a servant to die on a tree... that kindness is the very essence that holds us up still today; or at least it should be... But we fall into this routine of believing this kindness that composes the very recesses of our heart is found in temporary things.

It's almost as if we need it so bad that we have to get it... or else... And where else except the thing right in front of you. The computer, the sport, the girl/boy, the addiction... It's so immediate... it never fully satisfies. And that lack of wholeness leaves us in a deeper pit, craving more. And instead of turning to this God that declares "LOOK THERE IS FREEDOM IN THIS PLACE! COME BACK TO THE SHADOW OF MY WINGS!", we go back to the place in which we are desperately trying to escape. The very echo of our heart we turn a deaf ear to and instead decide to blot out the underlying hurt and pain...

It's a world of compromise, a world that will always fail... In the midst of this, one option exists. I truly believe that the Father and the Son make this complete picture; it's not about going against them. Rather, it's about this divine intervention, this inviting into the side that always prevails, never changes and always endures... And I want to accept this invitation everytime I fall back into a place in which I must receive it again.

And invitation for eternity... with a promise that He will never hurt you... a promise that He will never fail you... A promise that his love will always, always fulfill the deepest desires of your heart.... and an invitation to love others the very same way-a risky love without chains or pains...


God I want to love like you... Won't I accept this invitation to come to the cross to find healing for this broken soul? I have walked on thin glass, hoping not to get cut up by this world. I've been okay so far but it's only a matter of time before I fail to avoid the hurts. I want to commit my heart to loving You and Your people.. Yet past rejections, past avoidances, past thoughts, and sins have kept my heart weighed down... I long to move...Yet I lack... Won't you show me? Wouldn't you show me what risky love feels like? What the "risk" really is? I've spead my heart too thin before... I want my heart to be fulfilled and for it to overflow so that may never happen again... Everytime I create an idol that is prioritized before you, regardless of whether it is tangible, won't you crush it? Won't you be my soul's craving? Won't your kindness become something that is applicable in my life? Become my beloved... please... Show me how this can be done... I'll be waiting and praying...

Pride

It has to be you
It has to be you
I've stolen your right
To be king...

It has to be you
It has to be you
That will bring us back
And heal all the brokenness inside

This prideful heart
This longing to save
Was paid for at the cross that day
And so I fall once again


It has to be you
It has to be you
You came for us
You came for me
You came to die
So I can be free


It has to be you
It has to be you
The one with love
And not obligation

It has to be you
It has to be you
the humble Savior
the merciful Lord

This calloused heart
This turning away
Will be reconciled
And broken and found at your feet again

Anticipation

I'm still waiting for those pesky college letters. Everyday is based around the anticipation of those precious things. And everyday it does not arrive while others get their letters makes me feel skeptical as to whether I indeed got in. But when I gave this uncertainty up to the Lord, He filled me with security by telling me that "He'll be with me where ever I go". And although I might get rejected to a variety of places, I only need one school to give me a chance!!!!

And I have to wonder, the very God, cloaked in majesty has something great he wants to accomplish through me. I feel as though Jesus will go to college with me because He didn't have the experience 2000 years ago. I feel good. I expect a lot. Until the fog has cleared, I'll remain faithful that Jesus will take me to a good place. :]

An Essay Inspired By the Lost

I wrote this essay after the experience for an Asian-American Scholarship.
Sorry it's raw but isn't the situation as well?

I saw it all tonight. An entire life of hurts and pains; loneliness and rebellion stood before me today at the local boba shop. Caught in our headlights, looking in, she waved and smiled and I was the one to look like the deer--lost, confused, and scared.

She was an old acquaintance, one who graduated a year earlier with a GED to escape the pressures of high school. We were never too friendly nor were we ever close. You see, I was trying to find my own self in the clutter of expectations. I did not have time for her; she could take care of herself. As I did my initial scan to see if she had changed, I saw her hands shuffling a box of cigarettes. Her cigarettes going in and out, in and out from her pocket, drew attention to the reality of the Asian-American culture.

It is a sad reality when high school becomes a test of the fittest in which there is a diving point of doctors, lawyers, and politicians and drug dependent partiers. Huge expectations with constant nagging about success defined by monetary gains probably are the culprits. I don't blame the parents though. Most can't read and have built their lives on their backs. They have done laborioius work; the kind that they don't want us to ever do. They have sacrified their lives for ours and it would be a waste if we repeated the cycle. But during tonight's encounter, these thoughts did not process in my mind.

First I thought it was a waste, and then I realized she still has so much life to live, only to get frustrated at the negatives stresses that had created the person speaking to me. And although I am usually awkward around smokers, I felt as ease knowing that past her supposed image of maturity was an innocent soul with youthful compassion and joy. She told me that she was balancing partying with more studying as if that was an implicit way of saying that she was better off. I could care less about the increase in logged studying time. But she continued to say that if she is going to continue to study hard, she would party hard. And right then i wanted to give her a hug, revealing to her my deepest desires for her to believe that she does not have to live up to the expectations of her parent's anymore, possibly revealing that her idealistic act of rebellion symbolized by broken bottles and hills of ash could not free her.

She questioned me about my future. I told her my future will be one of a pastor. She looked down, disappointed. After all she is a pastor's child, one who strugged as her father's finances never allowed her to live comfortably. She warned me to look elsewhere. My ears were hearing discouragements but my eyes were seeing nothing but encouragements. I saw that my life can be a direct impact for her and for all those that represent the desperate outcasts of the Asian-American way.

As I entered my friend's car to leave, a friend in the back seat told me that my occupation with the cigarettes had created an awkward environment. However, I was occupied with more. I realized that the very essence of this boom or bust cycle has to change. I saw that if I could not become a person with life-changing abilities, my very people would continue to be stuck in the same cycle: a cycle in which broken children become broken adults who nurture broken children.

My friend dropped me off at my car. My car had been parked in the parking lot of my church- a Korean church. Right there I realized the severity of the divide. I was at chuch while she was smoking and loitering in a parking lot. And even though we were miles apart, my acquaintance at the boba shop reaffirmed that I'm here to help heal the broken and to cloes the gap that has been created by an Asian-American culture of pressure. And as I drove off, I promised myself that I will never look like a deer-in-headlights again.

Narrow Doors

This is a complete vent. I'm particularly upset about slanders, evil-mouthed representations of "Christ". Words that do not edify, are sinful. And certainly, my heart can only take so much of it before I want to yell words of rebuke and conviction. And presumably, everyone already knows where these malicious tongues lie, even within the youth group. These tongues speak loud, but without any meaning or significance. And it's a rather notorious reputation of being a stark contrast of Jesus' ministry of grace and reconciliation.

And I wish words would only get to the people who use words as their sword and shield rather than Jesus. But sadly, their hypocrisy leads them to death. It's certainly different if one struggles with sin but acknowledges it is a struggle they must triumph over from if one simply passes over the righteous indignation of the Lord to rip apart a person. Words are a direct link to one's heart. It's an overflow. And in these hearts lie brokenness that has not truly grasped the essence of Christ's love and realized the true significance of forgiveness. Instead these hearts rot and will continue to rot as the owner allows for fuel to be fed every time they speak.

It's a sad realization, really. I was speaking to Ray and about how many people die without truly experiencing Jesus reshape them and make them whole. And the statistic says that 33% of the population are Christians but how many are truly, living and praising Him because they know their loved by the King? Or is it simply an upbringing, a social outlet. It's a sad realization. During our conversation, we realized that we have pocket A's in terms of evangelizing and bringing people to salvation. But we aren't playing these right. In fact, were screwing up everything. I think it's because the church is so divided. The lukewarm has become obnoxiously dangerous. And I mean obnoxiously as in they devastate the momentum of the church by creating a juxtaposition of a person dwelling in the world while also admitting that they are "of Christ". This jams the ministry, makes it constipated. All efforts become futile and every ounce of effort can be stunted with someone's lukewarmness. They certainly do not go quietly.

People opt to stop. Their relationship with the Lord isn't something that is a challenge, a goal, or a destination. It's a medicinal cabinet that can be used anytime something seems to stir unfortunate circumstances in their lives. Truly, truly, what a shame. If the road has ended, the only way to go is to turn back. Somewhere during this walk, they have taken the wrong turn and have ended at a road block. They have now this long process of walking backwards. But even that is beautiful, that means there is realization, hunger, and progress. But many opt to sit, complacently at the end.

And even out of the 33%, many will not make it. The kingdom of God is very, very narrow indeed.

Mark 10: 17-27

As Jesus started to leave, a man ran to him and fell on his knees before Jesus. The man asked, "Good teacher, what must I do to have life forever?"

Jesus answered, "Why do you call me good? Only God is good. You know the commands. 'You must not murder anyone. You must not be guilty of adultery. You must not steal. You must not tell lies about your neighbor. You must not cheat. Honor your father and mother.'"

The man said, "Teacher, I have obeyed all these things since I was a boy."

Jesus, looking at the man, loved him and said, "There is one more thing you need to do. Go and sell everything you have, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come and follow me."

He was very sad to hear Jesus say this, and he left sorrowfully, because he was rich.

Then Jesus looked at his followers and said, "How hard it will be for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!"

The followers were amazed at what jesus said. But he said again, "My children, it is very hard to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."

The followers were even more surprised and said to each other, "Then who can be saved?"

Jesus looked at them and said, "For people this is impossible, but for God all things are possible."


Life forever....
So we are talking about entering the kingdom of heaven.
Obeyed all these things....
We thought we have reached the pinnacle of righteousness, we believe that we have earned salvation through works. Frankly, this is where the road ends for a person who believes this way.
loved...one...
Jesus loved his efforts but certainly there was more... There always will be more. We cannot be perfect, even though we believe we can be. Thus, this shows our journey is endless.
He left sorrowfully....
This is the rejection of the Lord's command, the final act of defiance.
How hard...to enter the Kingdom of God....
Our sinful nature and our unwillingness to offer it to God for him to take care of you leads us to rejection from God. Certainly this does not mean we cannot sin but rather that our pride and our blindness and deafness to the call of God to change and offer everything to Him in return leads us to rejection.

Of course, God writes that He will save us. So therefore, all that Jesus has stated about our efforts is useless. Only God can do the impossible.

But I see some importance to this. This act of defiance certainly does not make Jesus happy. This clinging on to that of which is part of the world makes his stomach churn. He will save you, but certainly his salvation is tested. The death on the cross is that much more painful as he knows and believes that it will not be fully utilized for complete sanctification. He knows your road and His road will never meet completely.

And that is a sad, sad reality for the loving Father...

Some day every tongue will confess you are God
One day every knee will bow
Still the GREATEST TREASURE remains for
THOSE WHO GLADLY CHOOSE YOU NOW.

Power

Every person has a power trip. I know I did. It was necessary for my well-being that I had power. I sought power in my sphere of influence to help my confidence and self-worth. Power. There is nothing like it. But when Jesus tells us to deny ourselves to follow Him, He obviously orders us to leave our interpretation of power and to follow His example of it.

Jesus had power. He could have done whatever He wanted and His Father in heaven would have sent all the angels and more to do whatever He willed.

But power does not necessarily mean strength. It's not about political influence nor is it about wealth. You see, the very essence of the power that Jesus had is the POWER to impact. The power to change, the power to create influential relationships that shed light to the glory and the saving grace of God.

I've made it my life goal to stop living for myself and to start living for others. But this cannot happen until I shed my former self and to be sanctified into a new body made holy in Christ. Until then my relationships have no power to bring revelation or conviction. Rather it's another relationship from and of the world--meaningless and shallow. But when I become a vessel for God's work, He creates impacting relationships in which I become a direct mouthpiece. I will be able to carry the burden of the lost and broken and guide them into a place of healing and surrender.

And even without this critical understanding of power, God has anointed us with a sphere of influence within our lives. We have a direct relationship with family, friends, small groups, sports teams, work, etc in which we can influence and direct people to a way of salvation.

So how are we going to leverage our power? We have so many people who need directing, a shepherd who understands their circumstances. We can be someone that brings these people back to Jesus or we can play god.

Caiaphas, the high priest of the time, aims to play god who creates a plot to kill Jesus (John 11:53) We can be with Him or against Him and when we realize our sphere of influence without any humility or how it is a gift that should not be abused, we not only lead ourselves astray but lead others to damnation.

Scary....
You and I have so much. How are you using it? Leverage for God's glory because His gift must be used to be a gift back to Him.

Tears

I had a dream.

It was this little girl that I know at my community service. She's autistic. And for some reason I gave her a ride to the park for the community service event or whatever it was. And although in real life she only has a dad, it was her mom that accompanied her to the park. And I unlocked my car for them to get something and I started to walk on ahead. A little while later I looked back to them to make sure that they were okay. Then I saw the mother and realized the pain she must go through every day as she realizes her daughter will never have the life that she could've had because of some genetic mess up. And I start crying... I start crying and cannot stop because at that moment I feel the pain within my chest. And this outside voice says: "You don't need me all the time. But the man that witnesses his wife die giving birth to a son who is autistic that feels that some of it is his fault. Those are the people who need me." And I crossed this bridge and couldn't stop crying. The pain was too much. And then I woke up.... I woke up believing that God is the only one who understands everything about us. He understands the real pain. The pain of failure, shame, brokeness, hurts, insecurities, etc. All of that... He understands. And sometimes, in the midst of all the hurt, we don't necessarily need someone that can help but rather someone who would just sit there, listen, and understand.

Unity

I felt the Spirit of the living God today. During the banquet, seeing the service as well as the unity of the church, I truly was blessed. The sanctity of the union between sisters and brothers not because our love but the love of God was something that was almost chilling. I was burning up in there. I was truly inspired to serve and to love.

Tomorrow would be a depressing day. It would reiterate the idea that I'm still single, still waiting. But God has made me His. Looking back through this year, His love for me was abundant. Why wouldn't it be the same this year too? So I'll continue to wait. If it never comes, I'll be fine. The love of the Lord fills my brokenness and forgives me when I tell Him to wait or tell Him that He isn't good enough. When I truly submerge myself into His arms, it's bliss; heaven and clouds cannot be the expression of that intimate love that He provides. I want to jump back in and never come out.
Please God let me do so. Valentine's day will be spent with You and only You.

Innate

Something in me wants to burst. Every moment of sin, laziness or fatigue is a place of vulnerability where my heart just wants to sing. It's the voice of my heart that declares that God is good everywhere and every time.

Sorry God, I repent for pirating all the Christian Music... is it stealing? I hope not. =/

Prayer

My sacrifices have been tainted by compromises.

God I will resist for Your relentless voice, Your undying beauty, and Your unfailing faithfulness.

I will be Your child once again. Give me faith like a child, the trust of a child, the dependency of a child, the longing of a child, the curiosity of a child, the innocence of a child. Renew me; fill me up again with the saving grace that brought me to my knees.

The worries of the world will fade away with Your comforting hands. All cloudy skies of confusion will be removed with the sight of Your oncoming sunlight.

God I'm inadequate, I'm useless without the power You give, the love that You give, the purpose You give. God use me for Your kingdom. Cast away fear of rejection, of mockery, of persecution and let me stand righteously as a disciple and an apostle for Your kingdom. Father rain down heaven on earth to all of us, who are undeserving, unrepentant sinners. God bring relationships to a crossroad where Jesus can mend all brokenness and wounds.

You are the most glorified when I'm the most satisfied. And I seek to comprehend the words you speak and when you woo me into Your dwelling place, I'm mesmerized by Your raging, passionate love for me. God let me abide in You; I want to dine with You and sleep with Your comforting lyrics soothing me and casting all fear when I lie in Your presence.

Father give hope to the unfaithful, give life to the dying, and bring prayer and petition to Your lovers who follow so whimsically. Bring hearts for the poor, the sick, the lost, and bring new strength that is only found in You to revive Your bride. We want a heart like Yours God. We want to love because You have loved us first.

God let my book of life be big! I want to impact, to encourage, the bring failure into the light where it can be redeemed in Your love. God, bring surrender into my life. I want to be wholly Yours. I want to seek only You, to be fulfilled and satisfied by only You. I ask for devotion in the minute things; the things often disregarded as sin but actually corrode the heart. I want my words not to be caustic but something with revelation and love in them. Bring me to my knees. Humble me. Bring me to repentance for my failure to act, love, and seek You.

My beautiful Father, let fear of loneliness and abandonment be casted out in Your name, Jesus. Bring unfailing love into my arms and let me breathe the breath of life that You give. I will not be enslaved by the potential of a world that denies me, but I'll stand liberated from the desire of worldly pleasures. Let freedom reign and let all bondage go as I stand for You and only You God.

Let all false comforts, illegitimate pleasures fall under Your sanctifying fire and let me be refined to meet with You. God hope dangles on Your Son's promises and let me reach out and make those promises a declaration and vow in my life.

Let not the things of this world ever sway me Lord. Let my eyes look away, let my heart stop lusting after things that only temporarily fulfill. Let my heart clear way for a movement of the Spirit. Let me not be an advocate of the enemy but let my heart supress the enemy's deception. Let me die to myself and let the enemy's luring die with it.

I refuse to fail. My life is being lived for more than my own. I earnestly seek the day when my faithfulness with be fruitful as You empower me to lead a nation, to lead a movement, to bring revival and fire back into the dying spirit of Your bride and to bring wonder back into the apathetic. Let us fear You Lord, and only You. Only you can destroy all that we are; Only you can love like You. Keep my eyes focused on this kind of God who never changes, who always remains to be the God that I first fell in love with. So God, lead me as You led Moses and Your beloves out of Egypt. Be the cloud and the fire that leaves no doubt that You are my God. Father, forgive me for my rejection and faithlessness; I'm human but I choose not to be subjected to that predestined state, and instead I will follow You and only You.

Thank you for the day and the people I've encountered. I pray for the salvation of all who yearn for You. Thank You that You are so accessible to all that seek You. Bring insight and vision into my life. I thank You for reaffirming my belief that I'm Your beloved son. I will praise You all my days.


Thank You,

I pray all this in Jesus name, guided by the spirit,
Amen.

Talents

22 "Then the servant who had been given two bags of gold came to the master and said, 'Master, you gave me two bags of gold to care for, so I used your two bags to earn two more.' 23 The master answered, 'You did well. You are a good and loyal servant. Because you were loyal with small things, I will let you care for much greater things. Come and share my joy with me.'


I'm like this. Except, I'm the guy with one talent. However, I'm different from the guy with the one talent. He decided to not use that, believing that because it was so small that it could not produce something fruitful. So he decided to bury it in the ground.

I look around and there are talented people. There are people with gifts and prophecies that will faithfully bring people to the Lord. They speak clearly, vividly, they love, they live righteous, they have the gift of tongue, dreams, prophecy, etc...

But one thing I know is this: If I'm to live this life knowing my lack of talents, I want to be the guy that puts that one talent in all the way. It's my act of worship to God stating that "I may not have much but I'm willing to give it all to You".

Maybe through this, He will be pleased and be glorified.

I don't even know my one talent. But I do know that whatever it is, I'm willing to give it to the Lord who so faithfully has gifted me with it. I'm thankful that I have that one gift and it will be my praise to deliver his faithfulness back to Him.





So all you gifted people out there.....He deserves all of it; 10, 25, 50, 100 talents.... He's deserving of all of it. Give it to Him so that He may truly be glorified.

Holy

I've been reading Exodus and I'm at the part where it is really exact and detailed.

God wants something, it has to be done. And I can imagine that the people, hearing God's precision, can be so peeved by the fact that He wants it only one way. And I've been realizing that everything that God's been doing is required. The gold tables and the red walls, etc..... It is God's will. And everything that is there is useless without God's order. It isn't holy but because God says it is, it is holy. And we've been called to holiness and how much of our body was exactly, precisely created. Everything has a purpose, everything has a reason to exist. And the tabernacle is a perfect example of what..... something.... I'm tired... I'll do this tomorrow....

Random!

It's His kindness that brings us to repentance. It's the rainbow in the sky after a night of heavy rainfall or the clearing of the clouds in ominous times.

It's our playing with fire, the curiosity that states that God isn't as great as He's made out to be.

There is always a longing in our hearts for more, if we seek it in Him, our fruits will be great.

I was the first to spit on Your face, saying that you weren't good enough for me. Tasting all things, seeing everything, I've realized what you gave me. Feeling alone, I ran back with nothing left, a fraction of my former self. But still you loved, still you opened up Your arms for me.

Now I only long to see the beauty of Your face.


I want to be liberated from my desire to conform to societies view.











There is a spiritual war going on; this isn't for the weak or the feeble-minded but rather for the Holy Spirit to fight for us. It's not a war we can win nor a battle that is of our own. God is victorious and we must fight thru Him. It's getting exciting. I can see the enemy. I'm starting to see the traps. Oh how deceitful and opportunistic. But it's also very weak. Weak against those that stand with the Lord. Claim victory and take what is ours! There are souls to claim!


How about the Book of Life. Jaeson Ma received a prophecy when His sister came and told him that his Book of Life was huge, filled with names of the many souls he saved. Oh how great would that be? If not the money of the world, the fame or glory, nor the power, surely the Book of Life in heaven. Surely that is one thing to motivate, to humble, and to bring conviction to ourselves in Christ Jesus.





I was asking God today for something our ministry can wholeheartedly seek in service and commitment. He told me "Forgiveness Ministry".... What does that mean? Maybe it was me or maybe it was Him. But I'll sit here and chew on that and pray that God will continue to affirm or bring new light into our Youth Group. Everyone who reads this blog, please also pray for an answer and the voice of God to audibly speak into your life.



We are not perfect beings, but we also have the hardest time accepting that and therefore have the hardest time forgiving ourselves of the sins of this world. We have fallen and God understands that. To that degree, He saves us continually through calvary and through the blood of Jesus. We don't understand and we don't forgive ourselves. So because of that, Jesus' blood is prevented from covering all your multitudes of sin. If only we can humble ourselves to the point of no return.




God is completely understanding. Knowing that the Israelites were in a state of change, He gives specific laws to them so that they can not think and just do. The law is something that is righteous: "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" and every other law follows that similar criteria.

But that's not the God that we know. We believe in a God that excuses disobedience with love; He's not a rational God at all. He's clothed in love. Love was never rational. Jesus embodies that completely. The law is righteous but love is crazy. He says to turn our cheek and to stop from retaliation and retribution. Revenge is something that God tells us to abstain from. Mercy and grace exemplify this notion that God, through Jesus, reveals His true form of goodness. And wouldn't He know? 1/3 of His beloved angels, led by Lucifer, decide to steal God's glory even though love is so abundant. His beloved creation of Adam and Eve decide to become one with God, who so willingly provides all the needs and desires of their heart. Now as His beloved creation, we fall into the pre-destined pit of sin; Many deny Him, many crucified Him, many oppose Him. Wouldn't you believe that we deserve this "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" concept? His broken heart after so many things that He has created but yet can't follow His true example of love. Maybe that's why He decided to do this righteous thing. He was upset, He was mad. But maybe... just maybe... He knew all along that the only thing that was truly in His heart was mercy... unconditional, "I'll die for you" mercy. The kind of grace that only God is willing to humble himself to express. Maybe that's the true Him... maybe He's not really a just God more than He is a loving one. He will keep us accountable for our sins.. but if we loved Him wholeheartedly... aren't we all allowed eternity to spend with Him?

Beauty

The beauty of my sin is that it has been paid for.

Erg Thanks Jesus.... A lot.


I've fallen back into His grips.

Thoughts

I was walking today and I was looking up at the sky and to my surprise, I could see stars! But right then I realized how fallen we are. We've become just vessels that temporarily fill ourselves up with worldy things because we can't seem to find how to strip ourselves of our desires and wants and replace them with God. Rid yourself of your self-seeking spirit and follow the one who can really fulfill all your needs my heart seemed to say.

Then I realized something else. God has given a decision of salvation to a fallen man. That's concerning. It's like asking a drunk to make a life or death decision. Our vision is blurred, our discretion is impaired, and our judgment is lacking. We wouldn't know a Savior if we saw one.

But I think Jesus knew all that. In fact, the significance of His death was hinging on our decisions to accept it. I feel like every part of our body is calloused. Nothing comes in and nothing comes out. We are just here..... And Jesus' death could have been for nothing. But somehow, His death has still meant something. It's still moving and impacting. And it's the easiest/hardest decision of our lives.

"You saw me when you took the crown of thorns"

I bet He did. He was there for awhile. I think every single person He went through, the rest of history in His hands, He dwelled on the fact that that person might not ever realize what He did.
That probably hurt.




Ten Things I Think I Think

1.) Let her love always make you happy; let her love always hold you captive. Proverbs 5:19
I need that... soon.

2.) Can I say what David said in Psalms 17?

Pay attention to my prayer,
because I speak the truth.
You will judge that I am right;
Your eyes can see what is true.
You have examined my heart;
you have tested me all night.
You questioned me without finding anything wrong;
I have not sinned with my mouth.
I have obeyed your commands,
so I have not done what evil people do.
I have done what you told me;
I have not failed.

3.) I love Jesus. He's so dramatic and smart and amusing....

4.) Late starts aren't that great

5.) I can't seem to figure out what I want to make in ceramics that will be glorifying to Him. Just kidding God told me in the shower.

6.) I want to be like Moses. Jesus is too hip for me.

7.) I can't seem to figure out why God made the Pharoah's heart calloused and stubborn.

8.) Providential relationships: God puts people in Your life for a reason. Use them to help yourself grow and help them in the process. I think that's what loving your neighbor as yourself is all about.

9.) I see growth everywhere. I see thirst, I see longing. God is near and God wants His people back.

10.) His faithfulness is so good. Believe in all His promises. They'll come when they need to. How dramatic is God? Awesomely dramatic. WOO WOO.


God give me the willingness to change what I feel like I cannot. My battle against lust, pride, judgment, insecurities, shame, contentment, etc will be victorious because You are my shield, my defender, and the joy and peace of my heart. You've provided for me day in and day out. I feel the river that was once too wide, the mountain once too high, and the ocean once too high now reachable as I find myself closer and closer in Your arms. God I ask for big dreams. I've surrendered my dreams and ambitions to You and I hope that they bear fruit. You have called me to a higher place, to a place of righteousness. Let me deny myself and carry the cross so that I may live to my call. I have rejected Your commission and promises in my life and I repent. Help me discern Your voice so that through You I can be glorified just as Moses was glorified. I find all my fulfillment from You. Apart from You I am a sailor without His ship, a warrior without His sword. I am nothing. My hope dangles on Your every word. So please speak and speak loudly. Confirm the visions, prophecies, and promises and use me to unite Your fallen bride. I desire and seek You when the moon wakes, when all is silent and dark. See this Lord and be glorified. That is all that I wish.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.

Voice

It was a hassle getting onto this stupid thing. But I need to speak.

I've realized that all of our creation pales in comparison to God's creations.
We would much rather look at lush gardens, breath-taking ocean views, or mighty mountains than bridges, skyscrapers, or houses.

We have this innate desire in our hearts to admire what God has created and God has had a direct influence in.

But I've also realized that we have a tendency to move away from God's influence in our lives. Possibly because we're scared..... maybe because it forces us to let him drive and direct OUR lives.

I've realized that God knows us better than we do. I haven't counted the hairs on my head anytime recently and I don't know why I feel certain ways. He knows. He has known. And He wants to share that compilation of feedback. But how often do we disregard His call?

Sometimes, I feel like whatever I'm doing at that particular moment is diminishing the power of God's voice, forcing Him to be silenced and disappear. It is never whether He's actually there but it's about whether He's talking. He loves to talk. I'm sure if I knew the things that He did, I would talk a lot.

I picture a know-it-all being silenced in the classroom where everyone else is struggling and yet the teacher is insisting for an answer. The child would blow up! And I wish God would just blow up sometimes. Let us know that He's pretty frustrated about our muting of His omniscient voice. Maybe then we would try to discern His voice and our faith would grow.

Hearing the voice of God sounds strange. It's never His voice. It's only the direction that He takes me and the positive result that comes with it that allows me to decide that He is indeed speaking. And a lot of the results have to come with an open mind. I mean sometime can totally go off the charts and smack you in the face. And this can discourage you or you can look for the beauty that lies within that chaos. So many times were so consumed with what God didn't show us that we often overlook what God did show us. And that leaves us believing that God hasn't spoken and doubt starts to emerge.

I really believe that a relationship with God is like a launch pad. All this preparation to make the rocket and stuff comes with little progress. The rocket hasn't launched yet and we had to do ALL THIS? But once it does launch, the sky is the limit.... (more than the sky?) All this time we're struggling to get off the ground, beyond the mundane routines of the spiritual walk. But once a movement in the heart is created, it's an exponential growth towards the Father. So please hold fast and move forward.

I think one thing that really discourages people is the waiting. The hour is usually late and fear starts to settle. And once something does pop up, you wonder "was that me making up something because of desperation or was that really God?"
But don't we have time to wait? We spend our lives consumed in busy work that gives us a sense of usefulness and worth and neglect the time to stop and enjoy the senses that God has provided. If you really want direction, a purpose, or just confirmation, waiting is necessary. You should desire it.

God, I want to discern Your voice over all things. To really know that it is You requires faith that is not of me but of You. Won't you help me open my ears and my eyes to Your will? Help me live righteously so that I may come face to face with You. And when You do speak, let it not be fear but courage that drives my soul. Let me act upon Your call instantly, never forgetting that You require immediate action. I desire to hear You more. I want to ask You fervently for the small things and to acknowledge Your calls for the larger things. You are the final judge and the final decision. Nothing in my life happens without You. And help this relationship become more faithful, more powerful, and more loving as Your voice becomes a necessity in my life. So thank You that You'd send Your son, Jesus, to create this new covenant where I can now have a personal relationship with You.

In Jesus Name I Pray, Amen.


Ten Things I think I think:

1.) I'm digging spiritual warfare. I love battling and winning :)

2.) The pastor job description should be: the battle for souls and damage control.

3.) Individuals need to move for the church to move.

4.) Because I don't necessarily believe in myself whole-heartedly yet, the hardest thing to do is believe that everything will be okay, even if I don't do my part.

5.) How light is the burden that is light?

6.) God wants me to create something very beautiful in Ceramics....

7.) If there is a 5'3-5'4 girl that is not pale, pretty, bold, courageous, ambitious, hungry, playful and desires for ministry, PRAY THAT I'LL MEET YOU SOME DAY.... T_T

8.) This number looks like a happy face with a mole

9.) The enemy knows that I'm its enemy.

10.) Resistance is futile, just let God take control.