Tears

I had a dream.

It was this little girl that I know at my community service. She's autistic. And for some reason I gave her a ride to the park for the community service event or whatever it was. And although in real life she only has a dad, it was her mom that accompanied her to the park. And I unlocked my car for them to get something and I started to walk on ahead. A little while later I looked back to them to make sure that they were okay. Then I saw the mother and realized the pain she must go through every day as she realizes her daughter will never have the life that she could've had because of some genetic mess up. And I start crying... I start crying and cannot stop because at that moment I feel the pain within my chest. And this outside voice says: "You don't need me all the time. But the man that witnesses his wife die giving birth to a son who is autistic that feels that some of it is his fault. Those are the people who need me." And I crossed this bridge and couldn't stop crying. The pain was too much. And then I woke up.... I woke up believing that God is the only one who understands everything about us. He understands the real pain. The pain of failure, shame, brokeness, hurts, insecurities, etc. All of that... He understands. And sometimes, in the midst of all the hurt, we don't necessarily need someone that can help but rather someone who would just sit there, listen, and understand.

Unity

I felt the Spirit of the living God today. During the banquet, seeing the service as well as the unity of the church, I truly was blessed. The sanctity of the union between sisters and brothers not because our love but the love of God was something that was almost chilling. I was burning up in there. I was truly inspired to serve and to love.

Tomorrow would be a depressing day. It would reiterate the idea that I'm still single, still waiting. But God has made me His. Looking back through this year, His love for me was abundant. Why wouldn't it be the same this year too? So I'll continue to wait. If it never comes, I'll be fine. The love of the Lord fills my brokenness and forgives me when I tell Him to wait or tell Him that He isn't good enough. When I truly submerge myself into His arms, it's bliss; heaven and clouds cannot be the expression of that intimate love that He provides. I want to jump back in and never come out.
Please God let me do so. Valentine's day will be spent with You and only You.

Innate

Something in me wants to burst. Every moment of sin, laziness or fatigue is a place of vulnerability where my heart just wants to sing. It's the voice of my heart that declares that God is good everywhere and every time.

Sorry God, I repent for pirating all the Christian Music... is it stealing? I hope not. =/

Prayer

My sacrifices have been tainted by compromises.

God I will resist for Your relentless voice, Your undying beauty, and Your unfailing faithfulness.

I will be Your child once again. Give me faith like a child, the trust of a child, the dependency of a child, the longing of a child, the curiosity of a child, the innocence of a child. Renew me; fill me up again with the saving grace that brought me to my knees.

The worries of the world will fade away with Your comforting hands. All cloudy skies of confusion will be removed with the sight of Your oncoming sunlight.

God I'm inadequate, I'm useless without the power You give, the love that You give, the purpose You give. God use me for Your kingdom. Cast away fear of rejection, of mockery, of persecution and let me stand righteously as a disciple and an apostle for Your kingdom. Father rain down heaven on earth to all of us, who are undeserving, unrepentant sinners. God bring relationships to a crossroad where Jesus can mend all brokenness and wounds.

You are the most glorified when I'm the most satisfied. And I seek to comprehend the words you speak and when you woo me into Your dwelling place, I'm mesmerized by Your raging, passionate love for me. God let me abide in You; I want to dine with You and sleep with Your comforting lyrics soothing me and casting all fear when I lie in Your presence.

Father give hope to the unfaithful, give life to the dying, and bring prayer and petition to Your lovers who follow so whimsically. Bring hearts for the poor, the sick, the lost, and bring new strength that is only found in You to revive Your bride. We want a heart like Yours God. We want to love because You have loved us first.

God let my book of life be big! I want to impact, to encourage, the bring failure into the light where it can be redeemed in Your love. God, bring surrender into my life. I want to be wholly Yours. I want to seek only You, to be fulfilled and satisfied by only You. I ask for devotion in the minute things; the things often disregarded as sin but actually corrode the heart. I want my words not to be caustic but something with revelation and love in them. Bring me to my knees. Humble me. Bring me to repentance for my failure to act, love, and seek You.

My beautiful Father, let fear of loneliness and abandonment be casted out in Your name, Jesus. Bring unfailing love into my arms and let me breathe the breath of life that You give. I will not be enslaved by the potential of a world that denies me, but I'll stand liberated from the desire of worldly pleasures. Let freedom reign and let all bondage go as I stand for You and only You God.

Let all false comforts, illegitimate pleasures fall under Your sanctifying fire and let me be refined to meet with You. God hope dangles on Your Son's promises and let me reach out and make those promises a declaration and vow in my life.

Let not the things of this world ever sway me Lord. Let my eyes look away, let my heart stop lusting after things that only temporarily fulfill. Let my heart clear way for a movement of the Spirit. Let me not be an advocate of the enemy but let my heart supress the enemy's deception. Let me die to myself and let the enemy's luring die with it.

I refuse to fail. My life is being lived for more than my own. I earnestly seek the day when my faithfulness with be fruitful as You empower me to lead a nation, to lead a movement, to bring revival and fire back into the dying spirit of Your bride and to bring wonder back into the apathetic. Let us fear You Lord, and only You. Only you can destroy all that we are; Only you can love like You. Keep my eyes focused on this kind of God who never changes, who always remains to be the God that I first fell in love with. So God, lead me as You led Moses and Your beloves out of Egypt. Be the cloud and the fire that leaves no doubt that You are my God. Father, forgive me for my rejection and faithlessness; I'm human but I choose not to be subjected to that predestined state, and instead I will follow You and only You.

Thank you for the day and the people I've encountered. I pray for the salvation of all who yearn for You. Thank You that You are so accessible to all that seek You. Bring insight and vision into my life. I thank You for reaffirming my belief that I'm Your beloved son. I will praise You all my days.


Thank You,

I pray all this in Jesus name, guided by the spirit,
Amen.

Talents

22 "Then the servant who had been given two bags of gold came to the master and said, 'Master, you gave me two bags of gold to care for, so I used your two bags to earn two more.' 23 The master answered, 'You did well. You are a good and loyal servant. Because you were loyal with small things, I will let you care for much greater things. Come and share my joy with me.'


I'm like this. Except, I'm the guy with one talent. However, I'm different from the guy with the one talent. He decided to not use that, believing that because it was so small that it could not produce something fruitful. So he decided to bury it in the ground.

I look around and there are talented people. There are people with gifts and prophecies that will faithfully bring people to the Lord. They speak clearly, vividly, they love, they live righteous, they have the gift of tongue, dreams, prophecy, etc...

But one thing I know is this: If I'm to live this life knowing my lack of talents, I want to be the guy that puts that one talent in all the way. It's my act of worship to God stating that "I may not have much but I'm willing to give it all to You".

Maybe through this, He will be pleased and be glorified.

I don't even know my one talent. But I do know that whatever it is, I'm willing to give it to the Lord who so faithfully has gifted me with it. I'm thankful that I have that one gift and it will be my praise to deliver his faithfulness back to Him.





So all you gifted people out there.....He deserves all of it; 10, 25, 50, 100 talents.... He's deserving of all of it. Give it to Him so that He may truly be glorified.

Holy

I've been reading Exodus and I'm at the part where it is really exact and detailed.

God wants something, it has to be done. And I can imagine that the people, hearing God's precision, can be so peeved by the fact that He wants it only one way. And I've been realizing that everything that God's been doing is required. The gold tables and the red walls, etc..... It is God's will. And everything that is there is useless without God's order. It isn't holy but because God says it is, it is holy. And we've been called to holiness and how much of our body was exactly, precisely created. Everything has a purpose, everything has a reason to exist. And the tabernacle is a perfect example of what..... something.... I'm tired... I'll do this tomorrow....

Random!

It's His kindness that brings us to repentance. It's the rainbow in the sky after a night of heavy rainfall or the clearing of the clouds in ominous times.

It's our playing with fire, the curiosity that states that God isn't as great as He's made out to be.

There is always a longing in our hearts for more, if we seek it in Him, our fruits will be great.

I was the first to spit on Your face, saying that you weren't good enough for me. Tasting all things, seeing everything, I've realized what you gave me. Feeling alone, I ran back with nothing left, a fraction of my former self. But still you loved, still you opened up Your arms for me.

Now I only long to see the beauty of Your face.


I want to be liberated from my desire to conform to societies view.











There is a spiritual war going on; this isn't for the weak or the feeble-minded but rather for the Holy Spirit to fight for us. It's not a war we can win nor a battle that is of our own. God is victorious and we must fight thru Him. It's getting exciting. I can see the enemy. I'm starting to see the traps. Oh how deceitful and opportunistic. But it's also very weak. Weak against those that stand with the Lord. Claim victory and take what is ours! There are souls to claim!


How about the Book of Life. Jaeson Ma received a prophecy when His sister came and told him that his Book of Life was huge, filled with names of the many souls he saved. Oh how great would that be? If not the money of the world, the fame or glory, nor the power, surely the Book of Life in heaven. Surely that is one thing to motivate, to humble, and to bring conviction to ourselves in Christ Jesus.





I was asking God today for something our ministry can wholeheartedly seek in service and commitment. He told me "Forgiveness Ministry".... What does that mean? Maybe it was me or maybe it was Him. But I'll sit here and chew on that and pray that God will continue to affirm or bring new light into our Youth Group. Everyone who reads this blog, please also pray for an answer and the voice of God to audibly speak into your life.



We are not perfect beings, but we also have the hardest time accepting that and therefore have the hardest time forgiving ourselves of the sins of this world. We have fallen and God understands that. To that degree, He saves us continually through calvary and through the blood of Jesus. We don't understand and we don't forgive ourselves. So because of that, Jesus' blood is prevented from covering all your multitudes of sin. If only we can humble ourselves to the point of no return.




God is completely understanding. Knowing that the Israelites were in a state of change, He gives specific laws to them so that they can not think and just do. The law is something that is righteous: "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" and every other law follows that similar criteria.

But that's not the God that we know. We believe in a God that excuses disobedience with love; He's not a rational God at all. He's clothed in love. Love was never rational. Jesus embodies that completely. The law is righteous but love is crazy. He says to turn our cheek and to stop from retaliation and retribution. Revenge is something that God tells us to abstain from. Mercy and grace exemplify this notion that God, through Jesus, reveals His true form of goodness. And wouldn't He know? 1/3 of His beloved angels, led by Lucifer, decide to steal God's glory even though love is so abundant. His beloved creation of Adam and Eve decide to become one with God, who so willingly provides all the needs and desires of their heart. Now as His beloved creation, we fall into the pre-destined pit of sin; Many deny Him, many crucified Him, many oppose Him. Wouldn't you believe that we deserve this "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" concept? His broken heart after so many things that He has created but yet can't follow His true example of love. Maybe that's why He decided to do this righteous thing. He was upset, He was mad. But maybe... just maybe... He knew all along that the only thing that was truly in His heart was mercy... unconditional, "I'll die for you" mercy. The kind of grace that only God is willing to humble himself to express. Maybe that's the true Him... maybe He's not really a just God more than He is a loving one. He will keep us accountable for our sins.. but if we loved Him wholeheartedly... aren't we all allowed eternity to spend with Him?

Beauty

The beauty of my sin is that it has been paid for.

Erg Thanks Jesus.... A lot.


I've fallen back into His grips.

Thoughts

I was walking today and I was looking up at the sky and to my surprise, I could see stars! But right then I realized how fallen we are. We've become just vessels that temporarily fill ourselves up with worldy things because we can't seem to find how to strip ourselves of our desires and wants and replace them with God. Rid yourself of your self-seeking spirit and follow the one who can really fulfill all your needs my heart seemed to say.

Then I realized something else. God has given a decision of salvation to a fallen man. That's concerning. It's like asking a drunk to make a life or death decision. Our vision is blurred, our discretion is impaired, and our judgment is lacking. We wouldn't know a Savior if we saw one.

But I think Jesus knew all that. In fact, the significance of His death was hinging on our decisions to accept it. I feel like every part of our body is calloused. Nothing comes in and nothing comes out. We are just here..... And Jesus' death could have been for nothing. But somehow, His death has still meant something. It's still moving and impacting. And it's the easiest/hardest decision of our lives.

"You saw me when you took the crown of thorns"

I bet He did. He was there for awhile. I think every single person He went through, the rest of history in His hands, He dwelled on the fact that that person might not ever realize what He did.
That probably hurt.




Ten Things I Think I Think

1.) Let her love always make you happy; let her love always hold you captive. Proverbs 5:19
I need that... soon.

2.) Can I say what David said in Psalms 17?

Pay attention to my prayer,
because I speak the truth.
You will judge that I am right;
Your eyes can see what is true.
You have examined my heart;
you have tested me all night.
You questioned me without finding anything wrong;
I have not sinned with my mouth.
I have obeyed your commands,
so I have not done what evil people do.
I have done what you told me;
I have not failed.

3.) I love Jesus. He's so dramatic and smart and amusing....

4.) Late starts aren't that great

5.) I can't seem to figure out what I want to make in ceramics that will be glorifying to Him. Just kidding God told me in the shower.

6.) I want to be like Moses. Jesus is too hip for me.

7.) I can't seem to figure out why God made the Pharoah's heart calloused and stubborn.

8.) Providential relationships: God puts people in Your life for a reason. Use them to help yourself grow and help them in the process. I think that's what loving your neighbor as yourself is all about.

9.) I see growth everywhere. I see thirst, I see longing. God is near and God wants His people back.

10.) His faithfulness is so good. Believe in all His promises. They'll come when they need to. How dramatic is God? Awesomely dramatic. WOO WOO.


God give me the willingness to change what I feel like I cannot. My battle against lust, pride, judgment, insecurities, shame, contentment, etc will be victorious because You are my shield, my defender, and the joy and peace of my heart. You've provided for me day in and day out. I feel the river that was once too wide, the mountain once too high, and the ocean once too high now reachable as I find myself closer and closer in Your arms. God I ask for big dreams. I've surrendered my dreams and ambitions to You and I hope that they bear fruit. You have called me to a higher place, to a place of righteousness. Let me deny myself and carry the cross so that I may live to my call. I have rejected Your commission and promises in my life and I repent. Help me discern Your voice so that through You I can be glorified just as Moses was glorified. I find all my fulfillment from You. Apart from You I am a sailor without His ship, a warrior without His sword. I am nothing. My hope dangles on Your every word. So please speak and speak loudly. Confirm the visions, prophecies, and promises and use me to unite Your fallen bride. I desire and seek You when the moon wakes, when all is silent and dark. See this Lord and be glorified. That is all that I wish.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.

Voice

It was a hassle getting onto this stupid thing. But I need to speak.

I've realized that all of our creation pales in comparison to God's creations.
We would much rather look at lush gardens, breath-taking ocean views, or mighty mountains than bridges, skyscrapers, or houses.

We have this innate desire in our hearts to admire what God has created and God has had a direct influence in.

But I've also realized that we have a tendency to move away from God's influence in our lives. Possibly because we're scared..... maybe because it forces us to let him drive and direct OUR lives.

I've realized that God knows us better than we do. I haven't counted the hairs on my head anytime recently and I don't know why I feel certain ways. He knows. He has known. And He wants to share that compilation of feedback. But how often do we disregard His call?

Sometimes, I feel like whatever I'm doing at that particular moment is diminishing the power of God's voice, forcing Him to be silenced and disappear. It is never whether He's actually there but it's about whether He's talking. He loves to talk. I'm sure if I knew the things that He did, I would talk a lot.

I picture a know-it-all being silenced in the classroom where everyone else is struggling and yet the teacher is insisting for an answer. The child would blow up! And I wish God would just blow up sometimes. Let us know that He's pretty frustrated about our muting of His omniscient voice. Maybe then we would try to discern His voice and our faith would grow.

Hearing the voice of God sounds strange. It's never His voice. It's only the direction that He takes me and the positive result that comes with it that allows me to decide that He is indeed speaking. And a lot of the results have to come with an open mind. I mean sometime can totally go off the charts and smack you in the face. And this can discourage you or you can look for the beauty that lies within that chaos. So many times were so consumed with what God didn't show us that we often overlook what God did show us. And that leaves us believing that God hasn't spoken and doubt starts to emerge.

I really believe that a relationship with God is like a launch pad. All this preparation to make the rocket and stuff comes with little progress. The rocket hasn't launched yet and we had to do ALL THIS? But once it does launch, the sky is the limit.... (more than the sky?) All this time we're struggling to get off the ground, beyond the mundane routines of the spiritual walk. But once a movement in the heart is created, it's an exponential growth towards the Father. So please hold fast and move forward.

I think one thing that really discourages people is the waiting. The hour is usually late and fear starts to settle. And once something does pop up, you wonder "was that me making up something because of desperation or was that really God?"
But don't we have time to wait? We spend our lives consumed in busy work that gives us a sense of usefulness and worth and neglect the time to stop and enjoy the senses that God has provided. If you really want direction, a purpose, or just confirmation, waiting is necessary. You should desire it.

God, I want to discern Your voice over all things. To really know that it is You requires faith that is not of me but of You. Won't you help me open my ears and my eyes to Your will? Help me live righteously so that I may come face to face with You. And when You do speak, let it not be fear but courage that drives my soul. Let me act upon Your call instantly, never forgetting that You require immediate action. I desire to hear You more. I want to ask You fervently for the small things and to acknowledge Your calls for the larger things. You are the final judge and the final decision. Nothing in my life happens without You. And help this relationship become more faithful, more powerful, and more loving as Your voice becomes a necessity in my life. So thank You that You'd send Your son, Jesus, to create this new covenant where I can now have a personal relationship with You.

In Jesus Name I Pray, Amen.


Ten Things I think I think:

1.) I'm digging spiritual warfare. I love battling and winning :)

2.) The pastor job description should be: the battle for souls and damage control.

3.) Individuals need to move for the church to move.

4.) Because I don't necessarily believe in myself whole-heartedly yet, the hardest thing to do is believe that everything will be okay, even if I don't do my part.

5.) How light is the burden that is light?

6.) God wants me to create something very beautiful in Ceramics....

7.) If there is a 5'3-5'4 girl that is not pale, pretty, bold, courageous, ambitious, hungry, playful and desires for ministry, PRAY THAT I'LL MEET YOU SOME DAY.... T_T

8.) This number looks like a happy face with a mole

9.) The enemy knows that I'm its enemy.

10.) Resistance is futile, just let God take control.