Thursday, April 2, 2009

Loving

I honestly believe that all your hurts, wounds, scars, fears, etc all surface when you aim to love someone. An endearing love is risky. Jesus' love for us was risky. It's all investment with possibly no reward.. It's that exposure, that vulnerability that creates this defense or this need for security in places where love does not allow for it. Loving someone can bring pride into the heart to cushion the impact of rejection. Likewise the need to have several "interests" instead of one. One is too risky, too much, too hurtful... I think that all of us have this wound in their heart. Past relationships with friends, family, the opposite sex has brought us to a place of brokenness. We do a great job of covering that dearth of security that the Lord provides-we lack the persistence to fully submerge ourselves in the relentless love of the Lord.

I look more and more and realize that everything has become so inconsistent, temporary which is completely contrary to the undying, unchanging-ness that Jesus brings. His love never fails. It was shown in the past and it resonates with our hearts still today. I lack the knowledge or the heart or the relationship to express the value of that man's life. I read recently that people used kindness in its root language as a way of describing something that is good for us. They used kindness to describe food that was useful... This whole time, I've been reflecting on the kindness of the Lord as one that is good.... but never good for me-It's a practical life application. It's the remedy for the now, the remedy for the hurt and the pain. It does not only apply in abstract terms but it can truly bring healing and restoration to the broken heart. The kindness that proclaimed the Son of God as a servant to die on a tree... that kindness is the very essence that holds us up still today; or at least it should be... But we fall into this routine of believing this kindness that composes the very recesses of our heart is found in temporary things.

It's almost as if we need it so bad that we have to get it... or else... And where else except the thing right in front of you. The computer, the sport, the girl/boy, the addiction... It's so immediate... it never fully satisfies. And that lack of wholeness leaves us in a deeper pit, craving more. And instead of turning to this God that declares "LOOK THERE IS FREEDOM IN THIS PLACE! COME BACK TO THE SHADOW OF MY WINGS!", we go back to the place in which we are desperately trying to escape. The very echo of our heart we turn a deaf ear to and instead decide to blot out the underlying hurt and pain...

It's a world of compromise, a world that will always fail... In the midst of this, one option exists. I truly believe that the Father and the Son make this complete picture; it's not about going against them. Rather, it's about this divine intervention, this inviting into the side that always prevails, never changes and always endures... And I want to accept this invitation everytime I fall back into a place in which I must receive it again.

And invitation for eternity... with a promise that He will never hurt you... a promise that He will never fail you... A promise that his love will always, always fulfill the deepest desires of your heart.... and an invitation to love others the very same way-a risky love without chains or pains...


God I want to love like you... Won't I accept this invitation to come to the cross to find healing for this broken soul? I have walked on thin glass, hoping not to get cut up by this world. I've been okay so far but it's only a matter of time before I fail to avoid the hurts. I want to commit my heart to loving You and Your people.. Yet past rejections, past avoidances, past thoughts, and sins have kept my heart weighed down... I long to move...Yet I lack... Won't you show me? Wouldn't you show me what risky love feels like? What the "risk" really is? I've spead my heart too thin before... I want my heart to be fulfilled and for it to overflow so that may never happen again... Everytime I create an idol that is prioritized before you, regardless of whether it is tangible, won't you crush it? Won't you be my soul's craving? Won't your kindness become something that is applicable in my life? Become my beloved... please... Show me how this can be done... I'll be waiting and praying...


Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pride

It has to be you
It has to be you
I've stolen your right
To be king...

It has to be you
It has to be you
That will bring us back
And heal all the brokenness inside

This prideful heart
This longing to save
Was paid for at the cross that day
And so I fall once again


It has to be you
It has to be you
You came for us
You came for me
You came to die
So I can be free


It has to be you
It has to be you
The one with love
And not obligation

It has to be you
It has to be you
the humble Savior
the merciful Lord

This calloused heart
This turning away
Will be reconciled
And broken and found at your feet again

Monday, March 16, 2009

Anticipation

I'm still waiting for those pesky college letters. Everyday is based around the anticipation of those precious things. And everyday it does not arrive while others get their letters makes me feel skeptical as to whether I indeed got in. But when I gave this uncertainty up to the Lord, He filled me with security by telling me that "He'll be with me where ever I go". And although I might get rejected to a variety of places, I only need one school to give me a chance!!!!

And I have to wonder, the very God, cloaked in majesty has something great he wants to accomplish through me. I feel as though Jesus will go to college with me because He didn't have the experience 2000 years ago. I feel good. I expect a lot. Until the fog has cleared, I'll remain faithful that Jesus will take me to a good place. :]

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

An Essay Inspired By the Lost

I wrote this essay after the experience for an Asian-American Scholarship.
Sorry it's raw but isn't the situation as well?

I saw it all tonight. An entire life of hurts and pains; loneliness and rebellion stood before me today at the local boba shop. Caught in our headlights, looking in, she waved and smiled and I was the one to look like the deer--lost, confused, and scared.

She was an old acquaintance, one who graduated a year earlier with a GED to escape the pressures of high school. We were never too friendly nor were we ever close. You see, I was trying to find my own self in the clutter of expectations. I did not have time for her; she could take care of herself. As I did my initial scan to see if she had changed, I saw her hands shuffling a box of cigarettes. Her cigarettes going in and out, in and out from her pocket, drew attention to the reality of the Asian-American culture.

It is a sad reality when high school becomes a test of the fittest in which there is a diving point of doctors, lawyers, and politicians and drug dependent partiers. Huge expectations with constant nagging about success defined by monetary gains probably are the culprits. I don't blame the parents though. Most can't read and have built their lives on their backs. They have done laborioius work; the kind that they don't want us to ever do. They have sacrified their lives for ours and it would be a waste if we repeated the cycle. But during tonight's encounter, these thoughts did not process in my mind.

First I thought it was a waste, and then I realized she still has so much life to live, only to get frustrated at the negatives stresses that had created the person speaking to me. And although I am usually awkward around smokers, I felt as ease knowing that past her supposed image of maturity was an innocent soul with youthful compassion and joy. She told me that she was balancing partying with more studying as if that was an implicit way of saying that she was better off. I could care less about the increase in logged studying time. But she continued to say that if she is going to continue to study hard, she would party hard. And right then i wanted to give her a hug, revealing to her my deepest desires for her to believe that she does not have to live up to the expectations of her parent's anymore, possibly revealing that her idealistic act of rebellion symbolized by broken bottles and hills of ash could not free her.

She questioned me about my future. I told her my future will be one of a pastor. She looked down, disappointed. After all she is a pastor's child, one who strugged as her father's finances never allowed her to live comfortably. She warned me to look elsewhere. My ears were hearing discouragements but my eyes were seeing nothing but encouragements. I saw that my life can be a direct impact for her and for all those that represent the desperate outcasts of the Asian-American way.

As I entered my friend's car to leave, a friend in the back seat told me that my occupation with the cigarettes had created an awkward environment. However, I was occupied with more. I realized that the very essence of this boom or bust cycle has to change. I saw that if I could not become a person with life-changing abilities, my very people would continue to be stuck in the same cycle: a cycle in which broken children become broken adults who nurture broken children.

My friend dropped me off at my car. My car had been parked in the parking lot of my church- a Korean church. Right there I realized the severity of the divide. I was at chuch while she was smoking and loitering in a parking lot. And even though we were miles apart, my acquaintance at the boba shop reaffirmed that I'm here to help heal the broken and to cloes the gap that has been created by an Asian-American culture of pressure. And as I drove off, I promised myself that I will never look like a deer-in-headlights again.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Narrow Doors

This is a complete vent. I'm particularly upset about slanders, evil-mouthed representations of "Christ". Words that do not edify, are sinful. And certainly, my heart can only take so much of it before I want to yell words of rebuke and conviction. And presumably, everyone already knows where these malicious tongues lie, even within the youth group. These tongues speak loud, but without any meaning or significance. And it's a rather notorious reputation of being a stark contrast of Jesus' ministry of grace and reconciliation.

And I wish words would only get to the people who use words as their sword and shield rather than Jesus. But sadly, their hypocrisy leads them to death. It's certainly different if one struggles with sin but acknowledges it is a struggle they must triumph over from if one simply passes over the righteous indignation of the Lord to rip apart a person. Words are a direct link to one's heart. It's an overflow. And in these hearts lie brokenness that has not truly grasped the essence of Christ's love and realized the true significance of forgiveness. Instead these hearts rot and will continue to rot as the owner allows for fuel to be fed every time they speak.

It's a sad realization, really. I was speaking to Ray and about how many people die without truly experiencing Jesus reshape them and make them whole. And the statistic says that 33% of the population are Christians but how many are truly, living and praising Him because they know their loved by the King? Or is it simply an upbringing, a social outlet. It's a sad realization. During our conversation, we realized that we have pocket A's in terms of evangelizing and bringing people to salvation. But we aren't playing these right. In fact, were screwing up everything. I think it's because the church is so divided. The lukewarm has become obnoxiously dangerous. And I mean obnoxiously as in they devastate the momentum of the church by creating a juxtaposition of a person dwelling in the world while also admitting that they are "of Christ". This jams the ministry, makes it constipated. All efforts become futile and every ounce of effort can be stunted with someone's lukewarmness. They certainly do not go quietly.

People opt to stop. Their relationship with the Lord isn't something that is a challenge, a goal, or a destination. It's a medicinal cabinet that can be used anytime something seems to stir unfortunate circumstances in their lives. Truly, truly, what a shame. If the road has ended, the only way to go is to turn back. Somewhere during this walk, they have taken the wrong turn and have ended at a road block. They have now this long process of walking backwards. But even that is beautiful, that means there is realization, hunger, and progress. But many opt to sit, complacently at the end.

And even out of the 33%, many will not make it. The kingdom of God is very, very narrow indeed.

Mark 10: 17-27

As Jesus started to leave, a man ran to him and fell on his knees before Jesus. The man asked, "Good teacher, what must I do to have life forever?"

Jesus answered, "Why do you call me good? Only God is good. You know the commands. 'You must not murder anyone. You must not be guilty of adultery. You must not steal. You must not tell lies about your neighbor. You must not cheat. Honor your father and mother.'"

The man said, "Teacher, I have obeyed all these things since I was a boy."

Jesus, looking at the man, loved him and said, "There is one more thing you need to do. Go and sell everything you have, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come and follow me."

He was very sad to hear Jesus say this, and he left sorrowfully, because he was rich.

Then Jesus looked at his followers and said, "How hard it will be for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!"

The followers were amazed at what jesus said. But he said again, "My children, it is very hard to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."

The followers were even more surprised and said to each other, "Then who can be saved?"

Jesus looked at them and said, "For people this is impossible, but for God all things are possible."


Life forever....

So we are talking about entering the kingdom of heaven.
Obeyed all these things....
We thought we have reached the pinnacle of righteousness, we believe that we have earned salvation through works. Frankly, this is where the road ends for a person who believes this way.
loved...one...
Jesus loved his efforts but certainly there was more... There always will be more. We cannot be perfect, even though we believe we can be. Thus, this shows our journey is endless.
He left sorrowfully....
This is the rejection of the Lord's command, the final act of defiance.
How hard...to enter the Kingdom of God....
Our sinful nature and our unwillingness to offer it to God for him to take care of you leads us to rejection from God. Certainly this does not mean we cannot sin but rather that our pride and our blindness and deafness to the call of God to change and offer everything to Him in return leads us to rejection.

Of course, God writes that He will save us. So therefore, all that Jesus has stated about our efforts is useless. Only God can do the impossible.

But I see some importance to this. This act of defiance certainly does not make Jesus happy. This clinging on to that of which is part of the world makes his stomach churn. He will save you, but certainly his salvation is tested. The death on the cross is that much more painful as he knows and believes that it will not be fully utilized for complete sanctification. He knows your road and His road will never meet completely.

And that is a sad, sad reality for the loving Father...

Some day every tongue will confess you are God
One day every knee will bow
Still the GREATEST TREASURE remains for
THOSE WHO GLADLY CHOOSE YOU NOW.



Thursday, March 5, 2009

Power

Every person has a power trip. I know I did. It was necessary for my well-being that I had power. I sought power in my sphere of influence to help my confidence and self-worth. Power. There is nothing like it. But when Jesus tells us to deny ourselves to follow Him, He obviously orders us to leave our interpretation of power and to follow His example of it.

Jesus had power. He could have done whatever He wanted and His Father in heaven would have sent all the angels and more to do whatever He willed.

But power does not necessarily mean strength. It's not about political influence nor is it about wealth. You see, the very essence of the power that Jesus had is the POWER to impact. The power to change, the power to create influential relationships that shed light to the glory and the saving grace of God.

I've made it my life goal to stop living for myself and to start living for others. But this cannot happen until I shed my former self and to be sanctified into a new body made holy in Christ. Until then my relationships have no power to bring revelation or conviction. Rather it's another relationship from and of the world--meaningless and shallow. But when I become a vessel for God's work, He creates impacting relationships in which I become a direct mouthpiece. I will be able to carry the burden of the lost and broken and guide them into a place of healing and surrender.

And even without this critical understanding of power, God has anointed us with a sphere of influence within our lives. We have a direct relationship with family, friends, small groups, sports teams, work, etc in which we can influence and direct people to a way of salvation.

So how are we going to leverage our power? We have so many people who need directing, a shepherd who understands their circumstances. We can be someone that brings these people back to Jesus or we can play god.

Caiaphas, the high priest of the time, aims to play god who creates a plot to kill Jesus (John 11:53) We can be with Him or against Him and when we realize our sphere of influence without any humility or how it is a gift that should not be abused, we not only lead ourselves astray but lead others to damnation.

Scary....
You and I have so much. How are you using it? Leverage for God's glory because His gift must be used to be a gift back to Him.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Tears

I had a dream.

It was this little girl that I know at my community service. She's autistic. And for some reason I gave her a ride to the park for the community service event or whatever it was. And although in real life she only has a dad, it was her mom that accompanied her to the park. And I unlocked my car for them to get something and I started to walk on ahead. A little while later I looked back to them to make sure that they were okay. Then I saw the mother and realized the pain she must go through every day as she realizes her daughter will never have the life that she could've had because of some genetic mess up. And I start crying... I start crying and cannot stop because at that moment I feel the pain within my chest. And this outside voice says: "You don't need me all the time. But the man that witnesses his wife die giving birth to a son who is autistic that feels that some of it is his fault. Those are the people who need me." And I crossed this bridge and couldn't stop crying. The pain was too much. And then I woke up.... I woke up believing that God is the only one who understands everything about us. He understands the real pain. The pain of failure, shame, brokeness, hurts, insecurities, etc. All of that... He understands. And sometimes, in the midst of all the hurt, we don't necessarily need someone that can help but rather someone who would just sit there, listen, and understand.